Okay, I'm gonna come out and say it straight away: The Secret Life of Pets (TSLoP) was better than I expected. For those of you who rabidly hate minions, you'll probably not like this as it cashes in on the same cute-factor with characters it tries to make into crowd-pleasers with one-liners and chubby cheeks. What it gives in cuteness, it lacks in depth; the plot is paper-thin and predictable, the characters act to serve the story, regardless of any motivation for how they ought to act, and I left feeling like I'd been watching the wrong dog's story for most of it. So let me re-tell it as it should have been told. Spoilers below for TSLoP, if you're interested...
The plot (should have) centred on Gidget, a fluffy, pampered pomeranian who adores but is ignored by the Jack Russell/generic-cute-dog-shape Max. When Max's owner gets a new dog - Duke, the enormous shaggy lump - and both of them disappear during a dog walk, it's up to Gidget to round up the pets of the apartment and set out on a search to find them! Throughout their tale of adventure searching for their friends, we see snippets of Max's own adventure, from meeting the psychotic bunny Snowball and his league of anti-owner sewer animals, to digging out Duke's own history and searching for his long-lost owner.
See? That plot is so much better than focusing on Max's story! Even IMDb agrees, crediting Jenny Slate's Gidget at the top of the list. Honestly, I think I've solved the major issue with this movie: that the most interesting characters are the side characters, who feel far more fleshed out than the primary protagonist.
So, there are some major issues with TSLoP. First off, Max is utterly generic. Somehow they've managed to turn the straight white heterosexual male into an animated dog and make a movie all about him, ignoring the more interesting characters he meets along the way (honestly, this should've been three movies: an entire movie about Snowball's backstory, perhaps losing his home and going into the sewers and forming his anti-owner army; Gidget and her adventures searching for Max and Duke, and the further adventures she no-doubt has afterwards; and the critical flop, panned by audiences, that is Max and Duke). And the movie hurts for it; whenever Gidget was on screen the film was so much more lively and diverse, there was an enormous difference in the feel of the story and it was a little bit different.
Second, the story focuses on the most utterly predictable plot beats. Happy hero gets paired with a loveable oaf who doesn't understand how things work, they get separated from the usual herd, lost far from home they must then find their way back, bonding all the way. You can say it, Illumination, you wanted to make Toy Story but Comcast told you pet movies were selling right now.
Again, another reason why I preferred Gidget's story: it was less predictable. It starts off with her getting attacked by a freaking hawk! Tiberius was the best addition to this movie (with Pops the paraplegic bloodhound a close second - way to go on the cool characters! But dicks to you for making them all take second-fiddle to freaking Max), when he's first introduced he's terrifying, yet he quickly flips into being one of the funniest and most heroic characters. Hell, he could've been another antagonist and I wouldn't have minded! Just having his introduction - blindfolded, in a dark, rickety shed on the apartment roof, surrounded by piles of bones - Illumination put in a great movie moment.
I think I've realised what Max's side of the movie was missing now: Atmosphere! The plot literally plods on his side, it's slow and ambling and kind of goes around in a big, predictable circle, with no help from Max. It's a little bit sad to watch, knowing you've got this whole other side where interesting things are happening.
Anyway, the whole thing ends with Gidget beating up a dozen or more sewer animals, including crocodiles, and confessing her love to Max - who then duly falls in love with her, not because he's into ass-kicking dogs or anything, but because the plot demands it - and they all live happily ever after. Snowball even gets a home!
Yeah, the ending kinda killed it for me. I wish Snowball still had his world-conquering plot to go on, because that was at least a little different. And I kinda wish Gidget and Max would be friends instead, because somehow they've managed to erase all chemistry between two animated animals and still find a way for them to kiss. I have a better idea: Gidget and Max stay friends, and Gidget realises she never wanted Max because she loved him, she just wanted some excitement in her life! And she duly decrees to wage war against the sewer pets from then on.
Okay, so what did I like? Well, Gidget's side, Tiberius and Pops and Buddy and Mel, because they were awesome, and Chloe was a fun character. I didn't even mind the obvious product placements because they were happening in Gidget's story!
There's more than that, though. The opening "credits" (for lack of a better word - after Max's opening narration, but before the story gets on its way) were fun, but I would have liked to have seen them spread out and mixed around a little more - trying to introduce them one at a time didn't work in my eyes, I think I was bored to tears during Chloe's whole bit. Hers was the worst, actually, although she was one of the strongest, most developed characters. It felt like it kept cutting, and they should've cut. Instead it feels kinda weird, like you're moving on but staying in the same place. Apart from the cat's introduction, though, it was fun and a little more interesting than the story as a whole.
The ending, too. I know I've just said I hated it, but that's the story ending. The actual ending - everybody's owners coming home (this happens over just one day, people! ONE DAY! It's unbelievable. Maybe it's two days - honestly it all blurs together) gives you this sort of joyful excitement to end on, the sort of energy and pep the whole movie should have been filled with. But it was only half full.
If I had to try and explain this movie to someone, I'd wax lyrical over all the characters Gidget meets. Snowball would be hyped up massively (except for all his "Ricky" jokes, which felt too try-hard and felt like they were trying to tell a joke where there wasn't one), as would all the sewer animals. And then they'd ask "okay, but what's it actually about?" and I'd have to tell them: well, there's this dog called Max, and his owner brings another dog home, and-
And they'd say "Oh, it's that story? I've seen that a million times!" And I'd have to agree, because now I've seen it a million and one times. It's like a budget steak pie: it's only half full, and half of that is tasteless and stringy. The real meat and gravy of it all - the Gidgets and the Tiberiuses and the Popses - are there sparingly when they should be the main focus.
I do wonder what this means for Dreamworks now that they're under the same Comcast banner. Will we see a How to Train Your Dragon 3 focusing on that one old lady? Maybe it'll all be from Toothless's perspective, and suddenly all the dragons can talk. And then Hiccup comes home with another dragon and before you know it -
Oh dear. Perhaps this is too much to think about, given that there are talks of a Shrek 5 in the near future.
Also, do Illumination have to use Pharrell's "Happy" in every movie now? Or do they own the damn song, and we'll never hear the last of it.
Either way, the future looks bleak for animation if Dreamworks goes down the Illumination route...
Adieu!
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